64. Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up: The Faithful Fight Against Anxiety with Nichole Suvar

You're listening to the podcast where we ask, how's all that working for you?

Because sometimes all you need to change your life is a moment of reflection.

In this space, we are done with sugarcoating and we embrace keeping it real.

I'm your host, Rachel D.

Baker, guiding you on this journey to create some breathing room, set healthy boundaries, and reclaim your time guilt free.

This is real talk with a bit of sass, and we are always seeking the truth in God's word.

I cannot wait to get into today's conversation with our guest.

In case you are not already familiar with her, I want to be sure and tell you all about her.

Today we are talking with Nicole Suvar.

She's a writer, a speaker, and an intentional living strategist.

She's on a mission to help overwhelmed women embrace God's design for mental wellness.

She has authored four devotionals, all focusing on intentionality in different areas of life.

Nicole's been featured on her View from Home, Living by Design Ministries and Proverbs 31 Ministries.

She partners with several non profit organizations locally and nationwide to promote mental wellness and faith through meaningful conversations.

Nicole and her husband Paul live in Indiana with their three teens.

You can find Nicole trying in vain to keep the cupboards stocked for her always hungry teenagers.

Ooh, I feel that hiking a new trail, soaking in the quiet with her husband, and savoring cheddar cheese with pickles like a gourmet meal, I find that fascinating.

She will take deep conversations over small talk any day, especially if there's good coffee involved.

We obviously have a lot in common and I cannot wait for you to hear this conversation with Nicole.

Hello, Nicole.

Welcome to the podcast.

Hello.

It's so good to be here.

I am thrilled you are here.

We've talked just a little before about how we kind of found each other.

We both went to that camp for creatives in East Tennessee hosted by Rebecca George, but not at the same time, but connected through a group there.

And I remember reading through your things and just like we have so many commonalities, a similar purpose, connecting with women who are just drowning.

Right?

I know that's your heart.

And so before we jump into all the nitty gritty of things I would love to just hear, I ask every guest that comes on, what does breathing room look or feel like for you?

Mm.

When I think of that, it just.

I love the idea of breathing room.

Like just that, just even the thought or the word picture it creates of just thinking that you have enough space to kind of let your elbows out.

A little bit.

Yeah.

A place that allows you to drop your shoulders and they're not always all the way up by your ears.

To create breathing room for myself, I mean, you definitely have to have margin.

You have to have margin in order to let out those elbows and be able to take in a deep breath and fully release it.

And to create margin for me, I have to think through what are my priorities in my life, Whether what is the people or is it in my faith, what kind of jobs have been assigned to me?

Where are those things at?

What are my priorities?

And then filtering everything that comes into my life through that.

Yeah.

When determining if it's a yes or a no, it needs to somehow align with those priorities.

Definitely taking it into prayer to God.

And that's just.

I have had to learn a lot about saying no to things in the last decade, but I feel like maybe the last five years has been a really, like it started to click.

Realizing that just because I see a need doesn't mean that it's my place to fill it.

That one has been really hard for me to wrap my mind around.

And it just by me saying no, that allows somebody else to step in.

And say, yes, yes, girl, you're preaching my sermon.

Yes, same.

And that's.

That has been probably one of the hardest things for me as well.

Just to know, to stop and ask, okay, God, is this mine?

Because I, I just want to jump in and do it.

The automatic knee jerk reaction is to raise your hand and go, yeah, I can do that.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like, oh, I see, I have two more hours in my day.

Sure, I could do this thing.

But then you have created like, now you're running frantically from one thing to the next and you're late for everything.

You're not doing any of it.

Well, yes, a hundred percent.

And then so when we're running frantically and we haven't created that margin to have any breathing room, there's a lot of anxiety that builds up.

And I know you talk a lot about mental wellness and anxiety, and a lot of that anxiety can come from not knowing what to expect or knowing how things are going to turn out.

And sometimes that does come from taking on too much or, you know, we're just kind of running on the hamster wheel.

I would love to hear about.

I know just hearing you talk in these couple minutes, you've got to have something in your story, in your life.

When you've had to trust God's control and God's timing over your own.

Could you Share some of that with us and kind of what has come from that surrender that you've given to him?

Yeah.

For me, this has been very literally, a lifelong learning process.

I have generalized anxiety disorder.

I was not diagnosed until my mid-30s, but talking with counselors, therapists, doctors, I was showing the signs of it all the way back to, like, 10 years old.

So most of my life, I have had anxiety as a diagnosed, like, clinical anxiety, but it was not necessarily addressed until my 30s.

So when you are living with anxiety, especially one where you're not even aware of, like, that's what it is.

You are seeking control all the time, because inside you feel out of control.

So you're looking to control your environment, people, circumstances.

So a lot of my life has been that.

Yeah.

Interestingly, one thing that, like, I have three teenagers.

My oldest is actually graduating from high school in about a week.

Wow.

And then I have.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

No, I'm right there.

My oldest is going to be a senior this next year, so.

Okay.

And I have another one that way I have two back to back, and then I have a freshman.

So we have three in high school this year.

And at one point in time, I would have said that I was not an overly anxious mom, which is kind of surprising considering my diagnosis.

But when it came to my children, I was very much, like, free range.

I loved it when they would go outside and explore, and I didn't need to, like, helicopter them a ton.

And it wasn't until they hit high school, the teenage years, that I started to really feel the anxiety.

Yeah.

And when I started to think about it, I realized that actually I was a very anxious mom, but it was hidden in the fact that I could control everything.

Yes.

Are we, like, the same person?

Are we the same person, Nicole?

Okay, keep talking.

I'm just gonna be like, yep, yep.

Yes.

And so when I could look back and be like, oh, no.

Those elementary years, I was an anxious mom, but I had control of schedules and what they ate and where they went and who they talked to.

And, I mean, not in, like, an.

A dictatorship, but that's just what you were as a mom, because you have little kids.

They need that from you when they're younger.

Yeah.

And so it was hidden.

I was able to hide that behind the fact that I controlled everything.

But now that they're teenagers, there is so much less you can control, which is appropriate, because this is, like, they're growing into a phase of life where they should be starting to make a lot more of their own decisions.

And deciding who they hang out with and their schedules and.

And so this period in my life right now is the letting go of the controlling.

And with that, like, when the anxiety starts to rise, realizing that I need to hold all of this with open hands and not a closed fist.

Because we cannot truly bring things to God and give it to him if we're still clenching it with these white knuckles.

Yep.

And so with my children, that is the big one right now is that with these teenagers, I keep bringing it to God with open hands, being like, you know, I believe that you love these children more than I do.

Right.

However that's possible.

I know.

And I have to remind myself when something looks very uncertain and I'm like, they may be making bad decisions or.

But there's again, this release to God that I'm like, you know, their future.

You have the plans.

You know, what plans are best for them.

And I need to trust.

I mean, it just.

It comes back.

It comes to that.

Trusting.

Yeah.

God, more than ourselves.

Yeah.

Oh, that's.

I cannot even tell you.

There are not words to express.

We are living the same life right now.

I know.

Not exactly, but I.

I have felt exactly the same when they were little.

Like.

And again, like, I give them free, like, oh, you want to, like, squish around in play Doh.

And paint and, you know, do some of the messy things.

Cool.

You want to pick out your own clothes.

That's great.

Be free.

And now I'm like, I'm sorry.

Like, driving yourself where?

With who?

I need all the details.

And you just gotta clench up a little.

Right.

And I know everybody has different aspects of that in their life, but I feel deeply what you are speaking to right now.

And the anxiety, and it does.

You know, it's coming down towards control, trust.

Who actually has control?

I.

I've recently been like, the control is a lie.

I have control of nothing.

Yeah.

You know, it is.

So that also kind of helps to know, like, I don't actually have control of anything.

And he actually does have control of everything.

And that loving piece of him loving me, loving my kids, wanting, good for, you know, whatever that looks like.

And being open to that man, that clenched hand to open hand is a very real.

Everybody just take a hot second and open your hands.

See how.

How does that feel?

How's that feel for you?

I think that's important to sit with for a minute.

Thank you for sharing that and making me know that I am not alone in this journey of parents and teens.

And I know another piece of this with.

That's an intentional choice, right?

Intentionally choosing to open those hands to trust in God.

And you have written devotionals, which is amazing, and they guide women toward this intentional living.

Right.

Living on purpose.

What originally drew you to speaking on this message of living intentionally?

Yeah, well, when I mentioned earlier that I was in my mid-30s when I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.

And at that time I started seeing a counselor, and something that I just started doing on my own is that I realized I needed to start breaking down my days into small, manageable moments.

So when you get anxious, you can start to look at, like, the huge.

Everything that needs to get done, and you feel like everything is on again.

Like you want to control it all.

And it gets so overwhelming that you just shut down.

You could either freeze or you frantically try to do everything at once.

And you aren't accomplishing much.

Well, yes.

And so I decided I'm just going to start breaking each thing down into, like, these small moments.

Like, what do I need to be doing right here?

Focused on.

I started looking at, like, seven different areas in life that I could just be like, what right now am I focusing on?

Number one is the heart.

Like, have I spent time with Jesus?

Am I just rushing through that?

Or am I being intentional and slowing down and being with him, thinking through my thoughts?

What is something that I'm believing that isn't true?

Focusing on relationships, something in our home.

Sometimes it's money, it's our health, or it's our time.

So as each of those different.

I just started being intentional with what was in the moment right in front of me.

And I felt like I was able to help bring that anxiety within, like, a boundary and helping it see that it's something that I could.

Again, we go back to control.

But more about, like, I was in charge and the anxiety was not.

Right.

Right.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

And so I started.

I just started being intentional within one of those different areas, each small moment at a time.

And that's so important, I think, because it can.

It can feel so chaotic when there's so much going on.

And we.

I think we do, as women, as moms, wives, you know, we fill all these different roles.

I think we feel that there are so many things under our purview that we are responsible for.

It all sits on our shoulders and to.

To sit with it.

I think that first question of, like, God, what is mine?

That's an intentional question to open our hands and make sure we remember he's in control.

But I love that kind of breaking everything down.

Because when I love writing things down.

I know you're a writer as well, but I.

If it's swirling in my head, yeah, I can't function with that.

I'm a big proponent of the brain dump.

Yes.

I love to get it all on paper, see it in front of my face, because then I can do something with it.

It's not some abstract, chaotic mess.

Right.

Mm.

So I love, I think that's a good way to kind of take it all, get it in front of your face and do what you're saying.

Like, well, what of this is, you know, about money?

What needs to happen with that?

Take action.

Right?

Yeah.

I love that.

That's so good.

I would love, I love in every episode to just get really practical.

This isn't like a fluffy froufou.

Let's talk about, you know, what might be nice sometime.

I want to get real and our ladies here can walk away with something that they could actually do.

So do you have just a few simple life giving rhythms that somebody could start today to move forward in this intentional living, especially right now, if life feels anything but peaceful or in control.

One thing, and this was, I would say that no one becomes intentional accidentally.

Like it does have to be a choice.

Yeah.

And one thing that my husband and I both do is that we purposely do not bring a phone into the bedroom.

We still use an old fashioned radio alarm clock to wake up.

I love it.

And that's kind of like for a few reasons.

Like, sure, you could just set your alarm on your phone and be like, that's all I'm going to use it for as an alarm.

But it's very easy that once it's in your hand, you just tapping on an icon and suddenly you are putting your mind right into things that you are not fully ready for.

You just woke up.

So it is across the house.

I have it.

I do have a watch that's connected to a phone.

And so I have it in a way that like only important phone calls will come through the watch.

So like our parents call the middle of the night for an emergency or something.

I would get that.

But otherwise that I don't need all the other stuff.

And then along with that is purposely spending time with Jesus before I pick up that phone.

And so I also do not use my phone for my Bible.

I have it on there for like if I'm on the go and I want to look something up, but I am in an actual Bible in his Word.

Some mornings it's just a Cup of coffee on the porch, reading a psalm.

Or sometimes it's just sitting and meditating on one verse while I pray or I listen for him to like, speak to me.

So it's.

It doesn't have to be like a.

A formal type of thing every time, but it's purposely being with him before I go anywhere else.

So it's.

I kind of like word before world is basically making sure you're doing that.

Love it.

That's so good.

Yeah.

And I'm the same with the paper Bible.

I want my book.

Yeah.

Yep.

I love that.

Yeah.

In my.

One of my devotionals that I wrote, the one that very much focuses on those seven areas I mentioned earlier.

I'll go back over em again.

Cause I kind of said em really fast.

But your heart, your thoughts, your home, your health, relationships, money and time.

And all of those in this book.

It's called Numbering Our Days.

I tie it back to Psalm 90, 12 through 17, and it's a prayer of Moses.

And one of the main parts is in Psalm 12 is teach us to number our days that we may have a heart of wisdom.

Wisdom.

And that's acknowledging that, like, we know life is temporal, but sometimes we get so caught up in what we're doing that we forget about the fact that, like, that life is so much more than what we are doing right now.

Right.

And we found that when we get so caught up in the temporal, that's when this anxiety starts to be fueled and really starts to take off.

But when we can slow down, we can start to recognize the temporal that we're becoming consumed with and instead reconnect our focus or reconnect our.

Just what we're doing with life.

How can we tie this into eternity?

Yeah.

How can we bring Jesus into this moment?

And then after we've done that, we reconnect or refocus our intention in the direction of, like, how are we doing this that brings God glory?

What's the purpose?

What's the priority?

How does this relate to what actually matters?

Because it's.

I think it's very easy to get caught up in all the things that are going on.

Running on the hamster wheel, as I like to say.

You know, we're running on our hamster wheel.

We don't even know where we're going or why we're going there or if we're ever even going to get anywhere with what we're doing.

And it feels very closed in.

And I think that's so important to kind of pause, you know, this whole Podcast.

You know, we don't always ask the actual question when we're talking that, like, hey, how's all that working for you?

But that's the point of, like, you might need to pause for a hot second.

Is this working?

Is this what you need to be focused on?

And if it is, awesome, keep it up.

Let's go.

But most of the time the answer is like, it's not.

This is terrible.

I don't know what I'm.

You know, we've got so far off track for maybe where we started.

We maybe started with good intentions, but other things have called for our attention.

They make them feel like they're more important.

And so we start to get off track, and suddenly we're like, I'm supposed to be over, over here.

And somehow I've ended over here.

Yes.

Yeah, I love that.

That's so good.

Okay, as we wind down, I've got just a couple more questions.

I would love to know if there are any tools or strategies.

You know, we talked at the beginning about kind of having that margin, but if you've got any specific tools or strategies that really have helped you manage your time better and allow for some breathing room in your life.

Yeah, like I mentioned, the priorities, living by priorities.

Also, I have alarms set on my watch.

They're like 9am noon, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm okay.

And when those go off, it's a reminder for me to kind of, like, slow down or stop wherever I'm at and reconnect my intention.

Reconnect with Jesus.

Be like, okay, where am I at?

Because often I'll find that, like, oh, I've already picked up space speed, and I'm going 90 mile an hour, and I should be going much slower at his pace and not mine.

Yes.

And so just throughout the day, it's causing me to just pull back the reins for a moment before moving ahead.

Yeah.

And then the other thing, that as.

As a perfectionist, and that often ties very closely with people who are highly anxious.

No, I feel that.

I feel that we want to have, like, everything done right, especially in our home.

We just feel like everything needs to be in order for us to be able to, like, think straight.

And I've had to really give myself permission to, like, it's okay if this isn't done a certain way or if it's even left undone for the day.

You can get to it tomorrow or whatever, or the weekend.

But one thing that I've just.

I've kind of put a boundary around is, like, the kitchen if the kitchen sink is clean and the counters are wiped down and I set the coffee pot ready to go off in the morning, it's kind of like I.

I'm closing the kitchen for the night.

And there's something about, like, just being able to kind of shuts the mind down a little bit, too.

Or just like, okay, that thing is done.

I could walk out of the kitchen, and the living room could be a hot mess.

But I know when I walk into the kitchen in the morning, I've got a.

That pot of coffee is already brewing, and that sink is empty.

Talk about priorities.

And that can be something that, like, can be wrapped up pretty quickly.

You are going to get so consumed in this, and you're suddenly, like, doing the whole house.

Like, that's, like, the boundary of, like, kitchen sink done.

I feel like just giving myself that permission to set that boundary.

Yeah, we talk about permission a lot here.

It's so funny how I think we've gotten where we have to kind of write ourselves that little permission slip to say, this is okay.

You don't have to have the entire house clean before you can go to bed.

It's all right if you just clean the kitchen sink and be done.

And maybe somebody's like, the bathroom.

Maybe I just need the bathroom vanity cleared off.

Or the shoes by the front door need to be put away.

Like, they could just be some little thing.

I think that we need to, like, maybe realize or think through.

How many shoulds are you living?

Because those shoulds are those expectations that are actually outside a boundary that we really can't meet.

Shoulds are always right outside that fence line.

They're never within the boundary that we really should be following.

Yes, that should.

Yeah, the should.

Listen, I.

It's pretty tacky, but I like to say we should all over ourselves.

Yeah.

And it stinks.

We shouldn't do it.

It's awful.

That.

That fits very well here, and I love that.

It's.

It's one little thing.

It's not as long as all of the main rooms are completely.

It's just.

It's just this little thing.

And I think for me, I have, like, a couple things in the living room that have to be put away and cleaned up.

And then, like, I'm okay.

I'm good to go.

Is there a book or podcast that you are just loving or would love to recommend to our ladies?

Yeah, two books that I found very helpful.

The first is Try Softer by Auntie Colbert.

I love that book so much.

Yes.

And then she's Got that next one is strong like water, which is also really good.

Yeah.

She's very helpful for somebody who they're working through past trauma or they also have, like, some mental illness that they're trying to heal or grow from.

Her work is just really beautiful.

Yep.

And also the Growing Slow by Jennifer Dukesley.

Yes.

Is also a really good.

But they're both.

Both things that are.

They're very gentle and kind.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm here for that.

Both of those women just have.

They are very blessed and gifted in that they are able to speak into this space of chaos and stress, I think, in that very gentle way.

We're gonna link both of those in the show notes.

Those are really good.

And I also highly recommend.

And as we wrap up, Nicole, just where can people find you now that they've heard you and are like, yes, I love her.

I need to connect.

How can we find and connect with you?

Yeah.

To start, you can go to my website, livewithintent.org you'll find resources, a way to sign up for.

I send out a weekly devotional that focuses on intentional living.

It helps you reconnect your faith with walking mentally well.

So you can sign up for there.

Also, I have.

You can find my books.

I have a quiz that you guys could take to find your overwhelm trigger.

Yes.

We are going to have that linked both the website and the quiz.

I'm going to link in the show notes because it's.

Find your overwhelm trigger.

Yes.

Yes.

Because different things can make people feel overwhelmed.

Some people are like, oh, that doesn't bother me at all.

But why am I feeling so overwhelmed?

Yeah.

Well, it could be something you don't even realize.

So this kind of.

It's like 60 seconds, but it kind of helps get you started on the right path.

And then also I post quite a bit on Instagram, just different tips for walking mentally well.

And for the month of May, actually, Rachel, you have contributed with me.

So people could go back through May and find all the, like, 31 tips a tip a day for mental wellness there as well.

That was so fun.

It was good for me to sit and right for that to think of, like, what are the things that I do or I have intention to do more often, you know, to kind of revisit those things.

That was really good for me as well.

So.

And there have been so many good contributors to that.

It's been good for me to read through other tips as well.

So I highly recommend.

Go back for that.

Nicole.

Thank you so much.

For being here and for sharing so openly about the things that you've been through and how you've gotten where you are.

I know somebody listening right now just exhaled a little bit because you have given permission to slow down and trust that God's still in control of things.

Yes.

And I think that's such a blessing, even when life feels like chaos, that is still truth.

Yes.

So, ladies, if you want to connect more with Nicole, be sure to Visit her website, livewithintent.org and check the links in the show notes for all the things that we talked about today.

And as always, thank you for listening.

If today's episode hit home, don't keep it to yourself.

This is a good one to share.

I know lots of my people who would benefit from hearing from Nicole.

So I hope you will share it, send it to a friend, or come chat with us over on Instagram.

Send me an email.

I'd love to hear what part of this conversation stood out to you.

And until next time, please remember, you are loved more than you know.